Every so often we all find ourselves questioning who we are, why we are and why things happen to us the way they do. Occasionally, these questions messes our mind so much that we feel boxed in. And when we get boxed in, we lose our sense of direction. Why is it that we live our lives on questioning every single detail that comes in our way? Why is it that we are so obsessed on hearing the answers that we want to hear instead of what we need to hear? Why is it we are hurt by the truths that we fully know, but refuse to accept? Maybe if we could accept things as they are, the world as a whole could be a much better place. To not deal with things that matters denies us our very right to grow as individuals. It takes courage for each of us as individuals to look into the mirror and explore inwards. It takes more courage to see us as we really are and accept what we are capable of rather than to fear of exposing ourselves. But honestly, exposing who we really are as humans, is the biggest fear we all carry.
Each one of us is a product of all that we have deemed negative since our childhood. From the slap on the backside for wrong-doing, to being corrected on our speech, our minds shaped us into the individuals we are and how we choose to live our lives. And so we go through our lives each day with those fears, without even knowing we have them. All our fears grow up within us and intervenes our choices in life. Eventually they will suffocate who we are and leave us nothing more than a soul in a box. I have been that soul in a box for far too long. I have felt suffocated and I have feared everything that came my way. The fear I carry in me forced me to compromise with every small details in my life. Yes, compromise is indeed one thing that most of us never fear.
Looking into my soul in this box of mine, I realise my biggest fear. I fear of getting hurt and rejected. I fear of living a lonely life until the end. I fear of finding no one to love me for who I am. But most of all, I fear falling in love with someone who doesn’t love me back. I have undergone quite an intense transformation in my life. From being the wife of a successful man, I became just me. I have had to cope with health, financial and personal issues that have totally reshaped my life. In the process, I have been able to find myself. I have been able to question who I am and what this life means to me.
As human beings, we have always taken for granted the life that we have been blessed with. All too often we blame and curse others for our own shortcomings. Too many of us never see what the world has to offer. All we see is the greed for prosperity as we are taught from the earliest days of our lives that we have to ‘be somebody’. We are not taught about simple appreciation. With all the bumps and twists and turns that life throws at us as we grow older, we need to learn to live life. We are only here for a short time. We should choose to get out of our boxes. Start living our lives as we have pictured it in our minds. Stop dreaming and start exploring every possibility this life has to offer.
I now live my life, knowing that I walked away from many successes that I had spent many years trying to achieve. The chapters of my life turned out to be nothing more than a learning experience. With that experience, I am now stepping out of my box. I choose to leave my fear in the box. I choose to live my life the way I want to. I choose to freely feel what I feel in my heart and in my soul. I choose to let myself fall in love. This is a choice made by me, for me, concerning me.
All too often we try to please others around us. We do what someone else wants to see us do, or to respond in a manner that makes everyone else easy. Why would anyone feel it is their business to tell us how we should live our life, how we should be reacting to our personal emotions? Never do we reserve our feelings of disappointment, envy, regret or hate. But for love we keep our feelings locked up in our hearts, ever fearful of being found out…fearful of being rejected. Why sweep the most beautiful of feelings under the carpet?
To love is a wonderful thing. When all is said and done, it matters not whom we have loved or if that person loves us back, only thing that matters is that we have loved. We cannot deny who we are or deny ourselves our right to love. Perhaps if everyone opens up their heart and step out of their respective boxes, we could explore ourselves and discover what we are capable of. Maybe then we will realise that we are just ordinary human beings and we would be amazed on how love comes naturally to us….
(from my 2010 journal)