Malaysian Politics 101 : The Macha Chronicles

In a land not too far away, where canai replaces paratha and kandar replaces briyani, there was a great Macha called Mahathun Chakraburty.

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Mahathun Chakraburty ruled the land of canai and kandar for 22 good years. Everyone feared of him, for he could break anyone’s bones simply by looking at them.

eye     But among those who peed in their dhoti upon hearing his name, there were also some who loved him for they have gained superiority and power after getting the blessings from the Great Macha, Mahathun Chakraburty.

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Years passed and soon Mahathun Chakraburty grew in power and wealth but had no time to even enjoy his masala tea with a peace of mind.

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Hence, he rubbed some vibuthi on his forehead and mumbled sacred prayers through his forked tongue and made a call to pick his successor – Anwakhshay Khanna.

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Sadly, he then hears rumours that Anwakhshay Khanna is getting too close to the Benggali Machas who were very fond of the ‘behind entrance’, hence banished him from the House of Bollyjaya.

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 Anwakhshay Khanna swore vengeance against Mahathun Chakraburty but the great Macha couldn’t care less thus silambams him into the prison, replacing the throne with Abditabh Bachchan.

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Now Abditabh Bachchan had his own personal issues. His ladki, Karendon Kapoor was very ill and Abditabh Bachchan had to go through many sleepless nights taking care of her. However, Karendon Kapoor soon succumbs to her illness.

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Having to find someone to fill in the First Lady post, Abditabh Bachchan meets the ever beautiful lady, more than a garden full of orchids – Jeanwarya Rai, and marries her.

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Now Jeanwarya Rai fancied running around trees, singing in the park and go all Bollywood diva. And she wanted Abditabh Bachchan to duet with her all week long. As a result, Abditabh Bachchan often fell into the spell of the great evil Pisasu and constantly dozed into deep sleeps.

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Being under the spell meant Abditabh Bachchan did not have the time nor the energy to bring Mahathun Chakraburty’s dream of building a crooked bridge into realisation. This made Mahathun Chakraburty very angry.

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On top of that, Abditabh Bachchan performed badly in the Great War of 2008, losing large amounts of support to Anwakhshay Khanna, resulting in a huge lost of revenue for the House of Bollyjaya.
loss“Enough!!! ” said Mahathun Chakraburty and packed Abditabh Bachchan off to a land of no returns.
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The great Mahathun Chakraburty was in great despair. He needed someone to take over Bollyjaya while he enjoys his newly found love for bajjis and samosas. During enjoying his bajji one day, he is reminded of his mentor, Razif Ali Khan, who had died prematurely while still in power.

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You see, Mahathun Chakraburty owes his mentor his whole career, so he pondered on offering the throne to the son of his mentor called Najilman Khan. Now Najilman Khan is an elegant, well-schooled baby faced superstar macha who watched the great Mahathun Chakraburty in action and learnt all the stunts. He said the right things to the right crowd, kept his head down and was never was disobedient to Mahathun Chakraburty.

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Najilman Khan then rose to become the new ruler of Bollyjaya, the 6th to take the throne. He promised the great Mahathun Chakraburty to run Bollyjaya as per his mentor, the great macha.

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But Najilman Khan had one greatest weakness Mahathun Chakraburty knew not of. It was his love for his heroine named Ranimah Mukherjee. Now Ranimah Mukherjee fancied too many finer things in life – diamonds, private jets, Birkin handbags. She brainwashed Najilman Khan into believing that at the end of the day, it was money that matters.

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So Najilman Khan bought submarines and began stocking up on his own paisa bank.

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As the saying goes “ With great intelligence, comes great stupidity”. Najilman Khan then gets involved with a ladki from the land of Moghuls, his PA named Priyantuya Choprabuu.

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Upon Ranimah Mukherjee discovering her husband’s affair with this hot beauty, all hell broke lose and Najilman Khan had no other way but to blow her up in an enchanted forest using the leftover fireworks from last year’s Diwali.

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Najilman Khan and Ranimah Mukherjee thought they could get away with it, but the two clowns they hired to do the job were caught peeing in public and brought to the court of law.

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Mahathun Chakraburty became very frustrated. And the other machas from Bollyjaya were getting uneasy too. As everyone became increasingly frustrated with Najilman Khan, Anwakhshay Khanna managed to unite a band of thalaivas and formed a militant group.

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Then came the Great War of 2013. Casualties were heavy for Najilman Khan, losing 52% of the support base. Heads hung low but he knew his clock was ticking, so it was time to cut lose ends.

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Najilman Khan then scratched some bums and got the clowns convicted for his crime. And as a cheque for the rainy season, Najilman Khan started a soverign fund.

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It was supposed to be a sovereign fund unlike no other fund with 1 million paisa paid capital. But this fund was special. So special because he himself is the guarantor. With he himself looking out for it, it could even borrow 42,000 times its paid capital. The amount of loan – 42 billion, with 5.9% interest which whoopingly states a yearly interest of 2.5 billion paisa.

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And this fund was going to make Najilman Khan the greatest Macha Bollyjaya has ever seen – well that was the initial plan.

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But then, like all Bollywood superstars who are at the top, something terrible happens causing a downfall. The invested 42 billion paisa moving along different trails and exchanging hands between different machas, soon disappeared like a plate of hot paneer poori on a cold chilly Calcutta rooftop.

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Where is the paneer poori? Ceh, I mean the paisa? Lost. And since the paisa was borrowed, it became a chorri-pudiccha debt…err I mean a sovereign debt. Oh Krishna…what a great treachery it is!

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Soon, the news reached everyone in the land of canai and kandar. The Machas whispered about it while the people slammed tables questioning the disappearance. Kadavule, what a tragedy!

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The news of the lost 42 billion paisa then reaches the hairy ears of Mahathun Chakraburty. Upon hearing, his eyes turned red, his nostril inflated profusely and smoke came out from his hairy ears like coloured powders on a Holi festival.
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Mahathun Chakraburty realised Nijalman Khan was gaining obvious power and that was dangerous. This could spell a death knell for the House of Bollyjaya. It was time for Mahathun Chakraburty to play a different game.

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Realising it was important to remove Nijalman Khan to preserve his legacy and save Bollyjaya from extinction in the next Great War, Mahathun Chakraburty had to do something quick. Especially since his own biological clock was ticking fast.

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Thanks to some whistlebower, the news of Nijalman Khan using people’s funds to buy expensive real estate from the doomed sovereign fund came to be known. People were angry. The machas were confused. But Mahathun Chakraburty knew, this was exactly the moment to nail Nijalman Khan in his coffin.

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To send Nijalman Khan in his coffin, Mahathun Chakraburty summoned his old macha gangs and formed some new ones too – including Nijalman Khan’s second man, Mahyujay Dutt whom according to the plan will replace Nijalman Khan and become Mahathun Chakraburty’s next puppet ruler.

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And with everything in place, it was the right rime for Mahathun Chakraburty and his warhorses to secretly meet to plan the downfall of Nijalman Khan. And where would they meet if not Mahathun Chakraburty’s favourite place called The Milan, quite famous for their idlee.

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The ordinary people who knew not of the meeting , passed by wondering what’s that alien smell brewing in the middle of the city.

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No it wasn’t the aroma of the samosas and bajjis frying in the black wok. It was something else.
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Something more powerful. More magnificient.
It was the smell of conspiracy of the highest level.

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THE END.

(Note: This post is a remake of Panmnesia’s “Sins of the Godfather” Part 1 & 2, https://docpanny.wordpress.com)

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