Sitting in my bed, sipping coffee while browsing through the net, I realised how lonely it is to spend almost every evening alone.
I come from a place where silence is almost unheard of. There’s always chit chats and laughter, stories to be told and debates to unfold. Lots of love and smile and kisses and hugs. Sometimes when I yearn for the atmosphere, I would take a long drive home, but it never felt the same, not anymore.
You see, those moments I yearn so much were the chapters of my childhood which will never present itself ever again. Well, except in my memory…
I still remember those wonderful moments in my life, when I hear dad’s honk at the gate and I would pretend to be asleep on the couch. Dad, all sweaty and still in his white coat would brush my head to check if I was asleep. Upon realising I am sound asleep, he would ask mom if I ate dinner well, did my homework and had my routine Milo. Mom would religiously say yes to all dad’s questions.
Dad then would quickly take his shower, wipe his curly hair on his head and chest (yeah, dad has hair on every inch of his body) and would carry me gently into my bedroom. Still pretending to be asleep, I would place my arms over him and brush my nose on his chest – dad always smells wonderful.
As he tucks me in bed, he would always cover me up with my blue and yellow blanket and place a pillow on my chest with my arms around it. He’d then tuck my hair behind my ears so it doesn’t cover my face and gives me a kiss on my forehead.
And with my eyes still closed, I would whisper, “I’m still not asleep, Father…”
And he would reply, “I know..”
Oh how much I missed those moments. These days, I fall asleep in the couch alone and wake up in the middle of the night alone. Having no one to pull the blanket over me sometimes feels like a misery.
Every night, I check on my kids in bed. I cover them up, kiss them gently and sometimes sit by their side, reminiscing the yesteryears. Oh how I wish I was them. How wonderful it would be to be cared for as a change.
Something tells me the past will never repeat itself and I shall forfeit all my hopes to ever be loved and cared for as I was in the past. As strong as I am, it hurts deeply to know that this is the path I am following – the path of loneliness.